“It’s escaped, Professor Murray. The T-Virus
went airborne when General Carstairs’ helicopter struck the Interrogation Technologies
laboratory. With current wind speed and direction it’ll reach Heathrow Airport
by noon. The contagion will be international in three hours and global in
twelve.”
“Then God help us all, Doctor Pryce.”
The
“Darling, I’m just taking the dog out to foul
the footpath used by schoolchildren every day.”
“That’s alright, dear - it’s not as if I
expected an evening of sexual or any other kind of pleasure with you tonight;
given that our sons’ brief, disappointing conception is fading into distant
memory. I’m only grateful that the spin dryer has developed a pronounced wobble
at high speeds.”
“No problem sweetness. I prefer my own
company and the dog anyway.”
Truth
“Yes, Constable. Of course I stole these
credit cards. Do I seriously look like someone who’s worked hard enough and
long enough to merit Platinum rating at my age? Give me a break.”
“I’d love to, son. I’d also love to give you massive internal bleeding and incurable back pain and a permanent limp. In fact I’ll take you to the Station where you’ll refuse to say anything and some rich, tax-funded lawyer will get you out on the streets tomorrow morning the instant some magistrate who lives far from where when you rob the elderly frees you with a plea for mercy disguised as - let’s see - your ninth consecutive Definitely, Positively Last Chance to escape prison.
“I’d love to, son. I’d also love to give you massive internal bleeding and incurable back pain and a permanent limp. In fact I’ll take you to the Station where you’ll refuse to say anything and some rich, tax-funded lawyer will get you out on the streets tomorrow morning the instant some magistrate who lives far from where when you rob the elderly frees you with a plea for mercy disguised as - let’s see - your ninth consecutive Definitely, Positively Last Chance to escape prison.
Will
“This is the BBC. This is not news.
In a carefully managed selection of talking
points tonight, a round dozen overpaid, talentless people who basically agree
with each other on all the great officially-approved issues of the day will
neglect to mention how much they all agree with each other while simultaneously
adopting the undeserved pose of fearless seekers after the truth. They will
also ignore or deride the lives and worries of that vast majority of people who
did not attend the same schools and universities as themselves nor took part in
the political campaigns that they naively remember as the gilded years of
youth. You’d be better off reading the lunatic fringe on the internet that
listening to us, really you would. But here goes nothing anyway….”
Set
“In a truncated broadcast from Teheran today
the Iranian leader stated that of course his government is planning a nuclear
attack on Israel
just as soon as his scientists finish refining the three warheads for which
they already possess sufficient fissionable material during the next few months
of Western diplomacy and sanctions.
He added that he personally couldn’t give a
stuffed fig about the fate of a bunch of fast-breeding Sunni fellaheen Arabs
too stupid to organize accurate rocket strikes on schools and hospitals only a
few kilometers away or to back that up with an effective land-based guerilla
war.
You
US Senate leaders of both parties issued a
joint statement affirming that they had become very rich supporting vested
interests to whom they owed the bulk of their campaign funding. Being possessed of well-stocked and fortified
houses distant from America’s crime-ridden cities, they were rather looking
forward to the rioting and famine that would follow the national collapse that
they jointly and severally had become powerful and legally untouchable by arranging.
Let the suburbs, the dumb Christians, the Mexicans and the guys from the Hood
sort it all out - if they can. Failing that, and with the Caribbean in flames
after the Honesty Riots there’s always the resort islands off Northern
Australia to retreat to if a private navy’s what’s needed to avoid the fallout
from China’s Politburo Confessions when the US economy finally croaks. Now that
post-industrial Europe and an Africa bereft of
Western aid are starving it seems like a good idea to be far away. The taxpayers
and grassroots party workers with their awful kids and endless whining can
spend Eternity as skittles in Satan’s Alley for all they care.
Free
Meanwhile, the Australian Prime Minister said
that the world had always been a lousy place - except for most of Australia . If
only people had spoken their bloody minds a lot more before the T-Virus mutated
the human brain to make truth-telling irresistible, maybe the rest of the mess
wouldn’t have got so bad.
“Fortunately,” he went on “the Lucky
Country’s a long way over stormy oceans from any seaborne refugee swarm and the
Australian Navy can handle anyone who makes it this far. Once the refugee
holding camps in the Northern islands that we seized this morning are completed,
then resettling any refugees in Papua New Guinea
and the Philippines
will become an orderly and simple routine. They can farm or mine for a living
like the original transportees did. No bloody worries, mate.”
2 comments:
BRILLIANT!!! I Loved it!!
Thank you sir - I loved writing it. Funny, that.....
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